I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
