No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
