Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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