Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
