Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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