Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
