I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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