the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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