so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
