I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
