There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
