So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
