either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
