Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
