I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
