I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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