then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
