textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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