Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
