please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
