so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
