yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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