I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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