I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
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