So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
