these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
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