When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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