I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
