Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
