I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
