Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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