I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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