Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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