he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
