Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
