Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
