Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
