His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
