You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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