I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
