The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
