Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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