my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
