Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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