The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
