i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
