College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
