This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
