i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
