i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
