walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
