hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
