We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
