he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
